Take A Bow
December 11, 2018A bow is used to play a violin. What things are used to play more than one violin?
.
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.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Fiddle-sticks!
Music Association: Blythe Danner - He Plays The Violin (from '1776')
Retail PanicBig Bear and Big Spider
November 28, 2018Last
weekend, I was in one of those big box stores, you know, the sort of
stores that have been fighting county property taxes across the
country, claiming that successful stores are just failed stores that
haven't failed yet. I won't mention the name of the store but it
rhymes with Hill's Heat Harm. In this big box store was a big box. In
the big box was a big bear. I wrestled the big bear out of the big box,
carried him around, and made him nod to people. When I was
nearly
done having fun with the big bear, I set him on a waist-high
industrial shelf above the big box. I noticed the price on the side of
the box. It said:
$. 99. 99
Years
ago in math class, I learned that a decimal point is like a huge wall
separating whole numbers from lesser, fractional numbers. The point of
the decimal is that it prevents lesser numbers from invading the
whole numbers and stealing their jobs or some irrational fear. I don't
get it. Clearly the double-decimal price was beyond my arithmetic.
I told the bear I had to let him go, and I let him go.
The big bear immediately tackled me in a hug.
I put him back on the shelf, told him he had to stay there, and I let him go. He fell for me again.
We
repeated this about two more times past the number of times it was
funny. Then I put him back into his box, only this time sticking his
head and paw out to see customers down the aisle of the big box store
that rhymes with Will's Wheat Warm.
The bear was too big for my house, which already has a dramatically big spider.
The
dramatically big spider has a web below a night light. In the darkness,
the spider creeps slowly by the night light -- its spotlight,
dramatically casting a huge shadow over the floor below, twitching its
legs for effect in a needlessly creepy-crawly way.
Music Associations: Elvis - Teddy Bear & Led Zeppelin - Immigrant SongBusiness StartUp: Stuffed Animal Petting Zoo
Retail Panic
Before Black Friday
November 22, 2018A
friend of mine who happens to be Jewish brought up the earlier and
earlier Christmas merchandise at stores, as if I would defend it.
I replied, “
Retail panic.”
No one needs the twelve months of Christmas.
Almost
nothing about Christmas has to do with Christ. Panicked shoppers buying
things without reading legitimate reviews, filling carts with garbage,
has nothing to do with Christmas.
Retail has two rules:
1. Do what has always been done.
2. Know that it won't be enough.
The black friday sales ads have many of the same items year after year at the same prices. Last year the
Washington Post
pointed out that “Macy’s has been selling $39.99 cashmere
sweaters for five years running, while Best Buy has marked down the
same 6-foot HDMI cable to $9.99 each Black Friday since 2013. At
Kohl’s, [regular black friday sales items] include $9.99 sweaters
(every year since 2012) and $199 KitchenAid mixers (since 2013).”
Most
retailers lose money for most of the year only becoming profitable in
December. It's the shopping season, and black friday is meant to draw
shoppers to the stores the day after Thanksgiving to bring profit in
early. Some stores do well, and some don't. This will be the first year
without K-Mart, Sears, or Toys-R-Us in decades. This will be the last
year for Bibelot, four outstanding gift stores in the Twin Cities.
The
Macy's parade should feature balloon ghosts from retail's past:
Geoffrey the giraffe, Rudolph from Montgomery Ward, the 50
foot Sears catalog...
“
Honey, our K-Mart is gone! Where oh where will we find a giant jar of cheese balls in time?”
Big box stores
know
if they go away, no store will take their place. They have been arguing
with county assessors across the country that their property values for
property taxes should be the same as vacant (failed) big box stores.
Linda Bliss from City Labs
reported last week that lawyers representing Target, Best Buy, Menards,
Walmart, and Sam's Club have been slashing their property taxes by
hundreds of millions of dollars, using the fear of
retail abandonment. Ignoring functional property values, profitable stores are being devalued under the
“dark store theory”
for property taxes. The concept started with Detroit-based tax attorney
Michael Shapiro. In Wisconsin the bulk of the appeals and lawsuits
have been filed by Minnesota-based tax attorney, Robert Hill, who told
Bliss, “
I don’t know if these assessors give a rat’s patootie about functional obsolescence.”
Target
and Walmart stores in the Twin Cities have undergone expensive
remodeling and are ramping up their online presence (presents), hardly
proving functional obsolescence.
Functional obsolescense
is the year-old iPhone with crappy connectors that was purposely slowed
down by Apple to encourage seasonal re-purchasing. It's a wonder
consumers woke up to Apple's functional obsolescence scheme, after all
these years.
If Christmas really related to Christ, there would be only three acceptable gifts: gold, frankincence, and myrrh.
Music Association: Burl Ives - Silver and GoldTwin Cities Calendar for November 23, 2018Before Thanksgiving
November 21, 2018
I asked someone, let's call her Eve, how she was doing, and that got into a discussion about all things great and not so great.
She said she was living life a minute at a time.
I said I couldn't think of any other way to do it.
This
Thanksgiving, temporarily push things aside and give yourself an extra
moment to laugh. Then see if you can cause someone else to laugh. It's
the most and the least you can do.
If you hear someone order a turkey burger with romaine lettuce, please intervene.
Happy Thanksgiving Eve.
Music Association: Alanis Morrisette - Thank YouGrape Prices
November 15, 2018
I
was following an older man and woman out of a Shop 'N Save store. The
woman said, “Grapes are 49 cents.” No reply from the man.
She said, “There must be something wrong with them.” No
reply from the man.
So I said, “
Each.”
Music Association: Genesis - No Reply
Investigation Obstruction
November 8, 2018President
Trump fired U.S. Attorney General Jeff Sessions yesterday, making Matt
Whitaker the acting U.S. Attorney General and in charge of special
counsel Robert Mueller's investigation.
Whitaker has publicly outlined strategies to stifle Mueller's investigation.
This constitutional crisis will be protested today at 5am (local time) at the
Minnesota State Capitol and at locations
across the country.
Music Association: Pointer Sisters - FiredTwin Cities Calendar for November 8, 2018
The Dust and Snow Settle
November 7, 2018The results of Tuesday night's election are in, and the divided country is still divided.
The Republicans gained two U.S. Senate seats. The Democrats gained 27 seats in the U.S. House and seven Governors' chairs.
The
clear winners of the election were the printing companies with all the
over-sized postcard business. Several forests of trees sacrificed
themselves for the divided electorate. The TV stations airing all the
commercials won too. During the news, there were back-to-back-to-back
commercials about the same candidate: they are bad, they are good, they
are bad...
make up your mind!
(To be read in the voice of Lewis Black with fingers pointing everywhere and nowhere.)
About
1.5 million more people
can vote due to the Florida felon ballot initiative. That's a positive
against voter suppression. But please don't think they will all vote
the same way. There isn't a demographic in the United States that all
votes the same way. Votes may tilt one way or another, but it's like
the stock market -- past results are no prediction of future behavior.
Call in all the experts, question their expertise, and toss them out.
The
ABC News big round room of analysts sitting around an empty floor
superimposed with red and blue graphics was either funny or silly...
for solid minutes. TV is rarely the
go to place
for information but still better than Facebook. The Minnesota Secretary
Of State website was the fastest, most reliable source of local
election counts.
Minnesota's voter turnout was somewhere around 63.8% or 64.3%, not as high as I thought but still higher than any other state.
Now
that the dust and snow and confetti and wild dreams have settled to the
ground of reality, it would be wonderful if Congress and the state
legislatures could come together on obvious issues.
I am deluded with hope.
Music Association: Al Green - Let's Stay Together
Vote
But Be Mindful Of The Riggings
November 6, 2018Look out for voter suppression and voter disenfranchisement this election -- the riggings.
The documentary
Rigged - The Voter Suppression Playbook is currently available for free viewing on YouTube.
Music Association: Blondie - One Way Or Another
Another Reason To Vote
November 3, 2018
A plane went over with a banner. Know what it said? Neither do I. Except I know it said there is
way too much money in political advertising.
I voted early recently. Usually they give out a sticker saying, "I Voted."
Not this time. This time it was a button.
Cool.
Music Association: 10000 Maniacs - These Are The Days
Adorable Little SuckersNovember 2, 2018
My
cat was watching a tiny spider trip-trip-tripping its way up the wall
and then down the wall with a remarkable lack of coordination.
You'd think with eight legs they would get at least some of them going in a coordinated effort.
It
reminded me. Last week, a trail of balled light purple octopuses led
the submersible Nautilus to the largest cluster of deep sea octopuses.
The nursery of brooding females were tucked into nooks and cracks off
the coast from Monterey, California. With their eight legs outwardly
wrapped around them, the lavender ladies were each hugging dozens of
white incubating eggs. They were in the dark until the Nautilus
submersible parked in front of them with their brights on.
Music Association: The Beatles - Octopuses Garden
Don't Be Afraid... Don't Be Very Afraid
October 31, 2018A pirate hobbled in this morning with some sort of orange gourd strapped over one of his eyes.
I asked him, “
What's that on your face?”
“
Arrgh, yes,” he replied, “
it's me pumpkin patch!”
Start
a list of all the things you hate about yourself, you
know, the way you drive, the way you talk before thinking, wait this
should really be in list form because it will get kind of long, so it
was...
the way you drive (sometimes)
that you don't have enough money
the way you talk before thinking (sometimes)
that look you're giving me right now
Now do a list of all the things you hate about others, you know...
the way they drive (sometimes)
that they have too much money
what they say (sometimes)
that look they give you
Take the list about you and make it about them and take the list about them and make it about you.
You and them. Them and you.
When I was a kid, I used to say “
I hate...” (something) and my mom would say, “
Don't waste your hate.”
She implied that hate was valuable, but I don't think that's what she meant.
None of those things you listed about you or them is worth the hate. Imagine you are on your deathbed...
Wait a second, spellcheck recognizes “
deathbed
”
as a thing but not Arrgh? Deathbed? Can you go into a Bed Bath &
Beyond store and buy a deathbed?!? Certainly a deathbed would satisfy
two of the three conditions of Bed Bath & Beyond as both a bed and
the launchpad to the beyond. Somebody famous recently died in the bath.
Does that make it a deathbath? Spellcheck says no.
So imagine
you're on your deathbed or in your deathbath. Do you think you will
really care how much money you had compared to somebody else? Or how
you rated as a driver?
Researchers interviewed people on their
brand new deathbeds about life regrets, and most people had regrets
relating to love and relationships and connections.
People were dying for more love, not for more hate.
When you are dying, you will no longer be afraid. Fear drives hate. Stop being afraid now. Stop hating.
Music Associations: Pink Floyd - Us and Them
& Blue Öyster Cult - Don't Fear The Reaper
Significant Others
October 25, 2018
Late
at night when deliriousness meets the mattress, my better half and I
get silly.
It's never the same, almost never planned, usually something
started by me but the best stuff starts without me and I just twist it
into some origami of ridiculousness. I have no improv training and
hardly any theater experience except for all these years of goofiness.
I play things straight, and she couldn't be straighter. I practically only
laugh when she does, and last night I couldn't stop laughing.
What
it was about doesn't matter. It really doesn't. It's about the quick
back and forth more than anything. It's a special language.
The best health care, mental health care, and life care is a great loving, understanding, and over-the-top comedic relationship.
I just wish more people had someone to get goofy with and laugh until it almost hurts.
Music Association: The Spaniels - Goodnight Sweetheart
By The Numbers
Florida Wind Map
October 14, 2018With
the devastation of Hurricane Michael, it is interesting to learn that the
Florida Building Codes say Michael took a wrong turn.
The
Florida Building Code says different parts of Florida have different
wind speed requirements. The Florida Keys might have to withstand 180
mph wind gusts. Miami only has to withstand 160 mph wind gusts. And
Mexico Beach only has to withstand 130 mph winds. Michael got up to 155
mph. Still, most of the damage occurred to older structures.
Hurricane Michael may have “damaged” the
statue of Nathaniel Greene
in Savannah, Georgia by putting googly eyes on it. Savannah police are
looking for whoever vandal-eyed the statue or any eye-witnesses.
Music Association: Madness - Our House (In The Middle Of The Street)
Everyday
Rain
October 8, 2018We've
had rain, misty rain, all-out downpours, and drizzle.
A
week ago I heard Minnesota soybean and corn farmers needed a clear day
to harvest the crops.
They have not had it. It
hasn't rained all the time, but there also hasn't been a clear day to
dry up muddy fields.
Climate change maps show a
wetter Minnesota -- a crop damaging, business and home damaging wet.
Music Associations: Carpenters -
Rainy Days And Mondays
Prince - Purple
Rain
Cascades - Rhythm
Of The Rain
John
Fogerty - Have You Ever
Seen The Rain?
John
Fogerty - Who'll Stop The
Rain?
Beatles - Rain
Creed
- Rain
I'm rubber, you're glue...
Trump
Paper
October 5, 2018
Yesterday,
on his way to Minnesota of all places, this happened. Toilet paper was
stuck to President Trump's shoe on his way up the stairs to Air Force
One.
Yet the Internet thinks it was the
Constitution that was stuck to his shoe. Or his tax return. Or the
New
York Times investigation into the half billion dollars Fred
Trump put in his son Donald's name to avoid taxes. Or else TP stands
for trade partnerships.
The next
president will have a tough act to follow.
Music Association:
Koethe - What You Left BehindMovie Association: Wag The DogIn Indonesia
Quake,
Tsunami, & Rubble Claim 1349 Lives
October
3, 2018At
least 1,349 people in Palu have been killed by the combination of a
ground-liquifying 7.5 magnitude earthquake, a huge tsunami funnelled
into a bay, and raining rubble.
Palu is a city on
the island of Sulawesi, the world's 11th largest island.
About
200,000 people are without food and shelter.
Music Association: Alabama
Shakes - Hold On
Voter
Suppression
Music
Videos
Landmine
Hopscotch
Superman
Impact
Investing
Holiday
Gifs of Cats and Kittens Part 1
Part 2
Part
3 Part
4 Part
5
Southdale
Hennepin Library
Wonder
Woman
Food
Fraud 
